It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
