you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
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He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
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I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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