wat bout pragnant strippers??
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
