Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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