just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
