I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
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nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
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Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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