I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
