Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
