If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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