FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
