2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
