hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
