i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
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Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
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You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
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