wrigley field is MILF paradise
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
