I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
where are my pants?
in the oven.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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