last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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