Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
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I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
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She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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