I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
