so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
