I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
