we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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