I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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