i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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