My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
