Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
