i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
