handjob tips. give me some.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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