ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
