he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
