There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
