Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
