I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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