Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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