Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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