I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
