my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
