I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
