That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
