apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
