You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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