i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
