Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
