I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
