New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
