I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
