My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up