cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
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I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
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I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever