My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!