Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
