Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
