ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
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i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
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I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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