covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
