your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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