Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
