I just threw up on my dentist
Acid is not a monday night drug
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize