I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
