I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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